1. Seatbelts, motorcycle helmets, and car seats are not required.
The driver might be offended if you start to put on your seatbelt or suggest they use theirs. It will be seen as a lack of confidence in their ability to drive. Often times seatbelts are not available in the backseat as they have never been pulled out.
Motorcycle helmets are not particularly popluar. If you have a helmet with a chin strap, you need not fasten the strap, making your helmet more of a fashion statement then a safety precaution. It is perfectly fine for you to wear a helmet but your co-rider to not wear one, and if you have a kid (or kids) on your bike with you, they can't wear a helmet as they don't make 'em that small.
No one even knows what a car seat for a baby is, so you can just hold her on your lap.
No one in the history of India has worn a helmet while riding their bicycle.
2. Five is the maximum number of people that can ride on one motorcycle.
This is not for safety reasons but because that is the most humanly possible. This will only work when two kids between the ages of 4 and 10 are sandwiched between Mom (on the back) and Dad (driving), with a toddler riding up front.
(Remember when everyone got hysterical over Britney Spears driving with her young son on her lap? Well imagine Britney AND Kevin AND both boys cruising down the 101 with no helmets.)
Four teenage boys can ride on one bike as long as they're all really skinny. Three on the bike can accomadate fatter people and old people too.
3. There are no traffic signs anywhere.
You will not be told the speed limit, that there's merging, if it's a one way street or warned about speed bumps.
Most notably missing are stop signs. They do not exist. Because of this, no one practices looking both ways to check oncoming traffic. When you exit an alley onto a main thoroughfare don't stop and don't bother to look if anyone is coming. At four way intersections everyone has the right of way.
If you see a pile or dirt of rocks in the middle of the road with some tree branches sticking out, don't be puzzled. This is a clever improvisation of a road work sign.
4. Learn to love your horn.
You can and will honk your horn at all times. One honk at a dog about to cross. Two honks to let someone know you are driving by them. Four honks to tell someone to move out of the way. Six honks to remind them again if they don't move. Sustained honking if you are sitting in traffic and getting frustrated. (These are just rough guidelines; all types of honks can be interchanged at will.)
Habitual horn honking is an addiction, fed by the omnipresent command "BLOW HORN" that is emblazened on the back of every single truck.
5. Never yield to pedestrians.
Ever. Not even for a pregnant lady or a blind man.
Only stop for people when they step in front of your car.
6. It's perfectly acceptable to drive on the wrong side of the road.
Not the wrong side of the road as compared to U.S. roads but the wrong side of the road literally, against oncoming traffic.
7. When driving on the open road, your objective at all times should be to pass, pass, pass.
Passing is allowed at all times, including on very windy roads and could be considered the national Indian pastime. You should always be swerving into the other lane to see if you can pass whatever is in front of you. If there's only a motorcycle in the oncoming lane, it's perfectably acceptable to pass and make them move on the shoulder. As you pass, flash your brights at the oncoming cars so they know to slow down and don't forget to honk. A lot.
8. Fender benders are no big deal.
If you bump a car in traffic, scratch a door in the parking lot, or knock over a bike in the crowded market, you do not need to make apologies. You don't even have to stop. It wasn't your fault anyway. This also applies to minor accidents when no one was hurt too seriously (i.e. killed).
9. Go with the flow.
At any given time in your direct line of sight there will be thirty to fifty people, dozens of cars, even more motorcycles, guys on wobbly bicycles, push carts of vegetables and goods, and livestock. Though it may be overwhelming, you must remember that it all functions by the guiding hand of some mysterious force and that you must surrender to this force. Do not hesitate. Go into every intersection with confidence, avoid people merging with grace, and be prepared for close calls. About one a minute.
10. Yield to cows.
You have no choice. Though why they want to be in the middle of the road during rush hour is still a mystery.
11. Fear no cops.
When you don't have to take a test to get your license (you just pay around $20) not much can be done about teaching people rules or ettiquete. Therefore, traffic police are few and far between. If you happened to get stopped, money talks. In fact, the only thing that's illegal in India is not paying a bribe.
12. Any attempt to apply Western driving practices or common courtesies will only result in confusion.
Don't stop in the middle of the road to let people waiting in the median cross. Don't pause to let a car exit a driveway onto the road. They won't do it because they don't understand what you're doing. Instead, you'll just mess up the flow. Furthermore, don't try to rationalize or analyze too deeply anything that you encounter or witness on the road. It will probably defy logic as you know but you're better off accepting this version of reality than trying to understand it.
Rules for Passengers
1. Just close your eyes.
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